HILARIOUS: We translate Iran general’s comments about their nuke program

Getty Images

These remarks were made by Iran’s Brigadier General Hossein Salami during a defense conference at a Tehran university and reported by the Jerusalem Post. Our astute translation follows:

Iran has no interest in pursuing nuclear weapons since obtaining them would be a violation of a religious edict imposed by the supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, a top Revolutionary Guards officer said on Wednesday. (Watch what we do, not what we say. It’s OK to lie to the infidels.)

Salami said that Iran will instead seek to develop its arsenal of precision-guided missiles that minimize civilian casualties.(But when you’re firing precision guided missiles at a country about seven miles wide, it’s almost a given there will be lots of civilian casualties.)

Advertisement - story continues below

“This edict is a principled, moral position before it is a technical one,” Salami said. (We still want to annihilate Israel off the map, we just want to do it morally.)

Salami said that while the United States “speaks loftily about security and global development, it remains our worst, most vicious enemy.” (Actually, John Kerry and Obama are the best friends we could ever ask for but I have to keep up the insane rhetoric for show.)

Salami accused the West of using innovative means to disseminate “inappropriate films” whose goal is to “destroy the world’s moral fabric, which will in turn lead to a collapse of global security.” (I don’t get it. Here in Iran we control everything in the media. We would never allow the inappropriate rubbish films made by Hollywood-unless you call propaganda films of women, children, gays, Christians, Jews, and others being killed, burned, and tortured “inappropriate.”)

The deputy commander went on to accuse the West of bolstering their military arsenals all the while combining their might with “diplomatic barbarism.” (This is hog wash too. Oops can I say “hog?” Have you seen how Obama is decimating his own military? But hey, it works for us!)

“They are moving further away from the values of God, which will ultimately lead to their demise,” Salami said. (I almost sound like Billy Graham don’t I?)

Iran’s enemies lack any appreciation for human life, the officer said. (We on the other hand LOVE human life — unless we need to decapitate someone, stone someone, burn someone alive, imprison someone for the slightest offense, or need a little ethnic cleansing of a nearby country.)

“The gravest threat to Iran today is having its young people being influenced by the ideas and the culture of the enemy,” he said. (Allah knows, they might find out that we’ve been brainwashing them since birth and WE CAN’T HAVE THAT)

We also have been able to translate some U.S. official’s comments as well…

The next round of Iran nuclear talks will be “pretty tough,” a senior US official told reporters on Wednesday ahead of a new round of negotiations including political directors from the seven nations involved. (Here we go again, they are going to demand everything they want and we are going to cave — man I hate that part.)

“As we expected after Lausanne, the next portion of this process will be pretty tough because we will be getting down to the details,” the official said. Iran and six major powers reached a framework nuclear agreement on April 2 in Lausanne and are seeking to strike a comprehensive deal by June 30. (The deadline will be extended again for the FOURTH final time. We aren’t putting up with Iran’s foot dragging any more…)

And that about wraps it up!

House sends FBI new deadline warning for 'Trump Dossier' materials -- or else

House sends FBI new deadline warning for 'Trump Dossier' materials -- or else

Trump's UN speech was the BOLDEST in recent history for one reason

Trump's UN speech was the BOLDEST in recent history for one reason